The Weight of It All

I am a 90s baby, so I grew up with Monica obesity jokes and the rollover idea that Twiggy was an achievable body and the ultimate goal for every woman. I grew up with Dr. Oz and his diet of the week. I thought having any kind of belly meant you're fat.

I always knew I was heavier than everyone else. 

I think the earliest memory I have regarding my weight was probably around 8, there's this photo of me with an older cousin standing next to the lake and my belly hung over my swimsuit. I knew I had a bigger belly, and that I shouldn't, but I think I knew knew when I was in sixth grade, walking to the playground after lunch with another girl who told me she sucked in her belly all the time so she would look skinnier.

I remember thinking that seemed like a lot of work, and I tried it, and it was a lot of work.

Middle school was traumatic for me, as I think it is for most people. You throw puberty into a container and you get a lot of rage. I developed Graves disease during middle school. This is a thyroid disease where I can go hypo (my metabolism moves too slow) OR hyper (my metabolism goes too fast).

There's pictures of me in eighth grade where I look anorexic, all bones. My eyes are bugging out of my head, because a side effect of my hyperthyroid period was optic nerve issues.

But kids don't know anything about that. They just see a girl with big eyes and awkward social graces. Middle school is brutal.

High school was better, but it was high school, and in retrospect, I never allowed myself space to figure out what was important to me. I wasn't sporty, or popular, or really half the person I am today. 

I knew what empathy was - I had seen enough in my family life to know exactly who I didn't want to be. But I hadn't figured out who I did want to be. Which is fine, because it's high school. But my friends were pretty concerned with what we looked like, so I was pretty concerned with it. I did not have anyone around me to tell me what I looked like was okay. It's taken me a long time to realize the people close to me in high school didn't do me any favors regarding my self-worth.

The first time in my life I started to really understand that how much I weighed and my value as a person are not intrinsically tied was in college. I had an incredible roommate who introduced me to running, and pushing myself not to just be faster, but to feel better. I started to realize that I could be myself more when I wasn't so worried about being the person everyone thought I should be.

My twenties were an adventure in weight gain and weight loss. Right before my first pregnancy, I dropped almost 50 pounds. This was great, but also set me up to punish myself ever since because I neither have the time or the same exercise capacity as I did before I pushed a bowling ball out of me.

That's been an ongoing lesson for me, to remind myself that my body has accomplished so much, and each year brings with it new parameters around what I can do and what I can't do. I have to actively remind myself to be kind to my body. She's done so much. She's made freakin life. She's trying.

I'm on the cusp of 33 now, and I'm almost as heavy as I've ever been, including pregnancies. I have stretch marks. I avoid jeans like the plague. The last time I went to the doctor's office, I told the nurse not to weigh me because I knew the number would make me spiral.

But you know what?

• Yesterday I ran 3 miles in 32 minutes and 12 seconds.
• This year I've completed almost 100 miles of my 500 mile goal.
• I do Pilates at least once a week.
• My husband has no complaints about my butt size.
• I can be active and play with my kids outside until the sun goes down.

I do the best I can with eating and drinking and I never EVER say anything negative about my body around my girls.

My girls are curvy, they are strong, they are healthy. And the one thing they will never hear or see from me is how I wish my body looked different.

Why is Mommy exercising? It makes me feel better, baby girl!

Why are we walking home from school? To practice for Disneyland! We don't want to get tired.

Why do I have to eat vegetables? Because they're good for you. You can have pizza too, but let's try some green stuff. Rainbow foods are pretty.

Mommy that person's belly is big. Oh no, we don't talk about other people's bodies. We never know what's happening. And you know what? A big belly doesn't mean you're not beautiful.

I am a mixture of Scottish and black - curvy is written in my genes. I wish I had known earlier in life that healthy doesn't mean Twiggy and obesity doesn't mean Monica. 

It's a spectrum, and if the weight of your weight is your primary hindrance in life, you're missing out on all the best parts.

How Much Do I Want This Today? Holding steady at a 8/10. It's about to be quite a busy couple of weeks, but I'm here for it.

What I'm Currently Reading: Still working on Variation by Rebecca Yarros.

Current Mom Hack: I spend a lot of time on my treadmill, the walking and running helps with my anxiety levels. I absolutely LOVE this kindle remote. I also hate AirPods, so these are the headphones I use when I walk or run or am just living.