If I'm Honest, I'm Beginning to Question How Much I Want This

If Braden Bales didn't start in your head just now, do yourself a favor and check his song out because it definitely resonates for me.

It's been ten years since I've put my thoughts in a blog, and since I don't have enough of *literally so much going on*, why not just add one more thing???

When I ended my last blog, Quite Literally Me (cringing hard right now), I was a fresh college grad with almost as much angst as Harry Potter in Order of the Phoenix - if you're not getting the HP references this might not be the blog for you. And also maybe look at your choices? I'm betting a 9 3/4 out 10 chance that you're making some wrong ones.

For those who do not know me, I am a mom of two wonderfully chaotic little girls, wife to a very grounded man, and pet mom of a crazy cockapoo and calico cat (named Callie, we're not terribly original over here). My full-time day job is content and proposal management for a parking technology company, and I also do contract proposal work on the side because we like to travel and that requires money (and also I thrive on being busy even though my anxiety levels are usually painfully high).

I have a wonderfully chaotic life filled with so many wonderful things.

And I'm also constantly wondering how to handle all of it. How much I sign up for, how much I manage, how much I say, how much I don't say, if my kids will remember how much it all mattered so much to me.

I'm pretty constantly stressing over how much I want this life I've worked so damn hard for, and if I've taken on too much or too little, if anything I'm doing actually matters, or if I just suffer from the very real human issue of severe imposter syndrome (which maybe we all shouldn't? At least according to Queen Ilona).

None of this is felt in a morbid sense - I'm good over here, folks.

Sometimes I wonder how much we might come together as a community and society better if we just realized that we are not alone.

So I'm just going to be over here, sharing my life as an always mom, a sometimes reader, an even more infrequent runner/exerciser, and a professional woman trying to develop her career.

Care to come along for the ride?


How Much Do I Want This Today? I'd give it an 8.5/10. I'm excited for the opportunities to come this year. Side note: I had one of those absolutely lovely corporate bosses in my last job who referred to b**** work as an "opportunity for growth" and now I hear it in her voice every time the word comes up. So let's all thank who I'll probably just call Lady Opportunity for the gems of wisdom that were lessons learned in any professional growth content moving forward.

What I'm Currently Reading: About to start Variation by Rebecca Yarros.

Current Mom Hack: My kids are obsessed with mini muffins, and I got tired of buying four to six boxes a week, so now I make them on Sundays with this silicone baking tray (it makes perfect muffins with no wrappers!) and usually this mix or something similar and then store them in this container.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Managing the Madness

One of the most common phrases I hear as a full-time working, as-present-as-possible Mom is, "I don't know how you do it all." At this time, I'd like to thank my ever-present feelings of anxiety, my overall abandonment issues, and my very dry sense of humor and aggressive communication style for really stepping up in this regard. Really creates that drive for success cocktail that I am constantly sipping on. Choking on. Drowning in. Sometimes it's like one of the banana boat cocktails in a bucket, guys. In all reality, I don't know how not to do it all. Especially when it comes to my kids. I don't want to miss a single second of this time in their lives where they still want me to be a part of every single thing they do. Sometimes I google tranquilizers for children, but that's normal for that feral Golden Hour, right? I have a very goal-driven personality. I have to have something to work toward, whether short- or long- term. This might be borderline...
Read more

The Weight of It All

I am a 90s baby, so I grew up with Monica obesity jokes and the rollover idea that Twiggy was an achievable body and the ultimate goal for every woman. I grew up with Dr. Oz and his diet of the week. I thought having any kind of belly meant you're fat. I always knew I was heavier than everyone else.  I think the earliest memory I have regarding my weight was probably around 8, there's this photo of me with an older cousin standing next to the lake and my belly hung over my swimsuit. I knew I had a bigger belly, and that I shouldn't, but I think I knew knew when I was in sixth grade, walking to the playground after lunch with another girl who told me she sucked in her belly all the time so she would look skinnier. I remember thinking that seemed like a lot of work, and I tried it, and it was a lot of work. Middle school was traumatic for me, as I think it is for most people. You throw puberty into a container and you get a lot of rage. I developed Graves disease during middl...
Read more